Thursday, 3 March 2011


Those people who consider CONSTANTINE to be Keanu’s worst “reimagining” crime have clearly not seen this awkward mess in the light of the glorious original. So, with the kindness a vet gives an old animal that is in pain, I will cover this quickly and let you get on with your lives.

Story: Big spherical plot device lands on earth. Out steps corporate emo-man NEO and then something starts going on that involves the end of the world. Some other people turn up, there’s a bratty kid. End. Thats pretty much it. There is a fair bit of footage designed to make you apparently quake in fear/awe but you need to care about the situation to do that....yeah, not really good.

Cast: These actors can step up and produce powerhouse performances when they need to. This, however, was how they faired in this flick
Keanu Reeves: Directionless, pointless and managing to make JOHNNY NMEMONIC look better, every time he sleepwalks through movies like this.
Jennifer Connelly: Cold, bland, worryingly thin (personal opinion, folks) and lacking any form of personality.
John Cleese: Michael Caine was busy and Billy Connelly was on the X-FILES movie?
James Hong: Great for the minute he was onscreen (who he? Think BIG TROUBLE LITTLE CHINA chief baddie)
Jayden Smith: Best acting in the movie, a shame his character is so poorly written
John Hamm: The man serves no point, in this film.

I guess I should talk about Gort, but the poor thing never really gets the chance to shine. Looking at it now, you just feel it was the rough render for THOR's heavy-metal baddie THE DESTROYER.

Verdict: The original may have lost its connection with modern young audiences but it is a solid classic with a message more relevant now than ever. This, on the other hand, is a complete waste of a film and utterly pointless as a viewing experience.

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